The whole damn week has been quite pleasant, with me just coming back from vacation etc., only to be spoiled tonight by my income tax calculation. Ugh... If my calculation is correct, I will have to fork out another half of my monthly gross salary to pay them. Even after the huge monthly deductions they have been making. Leeches. Ugh!

It is very scary when you start feeling that your life is not yours to control, that you are just trying to catch up with where it is going and you are not quite getting the grasp. That is how I am feeling at the moment. So many things happening, and I am not at the helm to control. Nothing big, just little things that just mount up to this big confusing jumble. I am supposed to feel excited to go away this weekend, to a place that I have always feel excited going. Yet all I feel is that. Too many things to take care of, too many things not yet done. Too uptight. Yes, I have not been sleeping well, waking up at 4 in the morning, thinking of things to be done. What is happening? Not quite sure myself. Am I out of my environment, out of my depth? Am I just worrying too much, like always? Are there really too many things happening? God knows.

Three and a half months of silence. My silence now spans over longer periods. Perhaps the novelty of blogging is wearing off. Perhaps I do not have much that I want to share. Perhaps I just don't have anything that I want to say. Perhaps there is nothing happening in my life that is worth sharing. Perhaps I am numb. I am not sure myself. Perhaps it is all of the above. One thing for sure is that I am going through a plateau. Nothing excites. Nothing saddens. Nothing touches my heart. I do not care too much these days. I do not feel too much. Which has always been my problem - I do everything with too much feeling. Which has a way of hurting me later. Because I expect too much in return. Which is a good way to kill my heart. So then perhaps being numb is good. Not feeling is good. It protects. It provides the hard shell that I am missing. Now I am being a real Cancerian. Soft inside, with a hard shell outside. May be soon I will be impenetrable. I will become a different person. And nothing will hurt anymore.